


i love you more than my life

by actualsunshinejakedillinger (orphan_account)



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Angst, F/F, Fire, Heavy Angst, Help, I love my children I promise, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Jeremy is stupid and in love, M/M, Michael's in the bathroom and he needs help, PROTECT THEM, Panic Attacks, Suicide, What Have I Done, and also gay, everyone is sad, i hate myself for writing this, poor jake my bby, rich is guilty, this is sad as fuck good luck everyone, this shit is rough man
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-28
Updated: 2017-06-28
Packaged: 2018-11-20 16:06:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11338797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/actualsunshinejakedillinger
Summary: rich set a fire and everything went to shit whoops





	1. jeremy in the hallway

**Author's Note:**

> tw: thoughts of self harm, panic attacks, suicide, death
> 
> im so sorry
> 
> basically i had a sad idea and i made it a thing so feel free to come at me with pitchforks in the comments. i promise i love my children this made me cry to write fuck here we go
> 
> just a warning, I literally just sat down one day and wrote this so it's probably really bad and really short but fuck it enjoy if you can

Jeremy Heere fucked up. He knew that. He threw away the one person he loved more than anything and left him all alone. If Jeremy’s brain could even remotely think straight maybe he would’ve realized earlier that Michael was inevitably having a panic attack upstairs. Maybe he would’ve realized sooner that he was the only one that could’ve helped his best friend. 

But as he walked back downstairs so miserably, he was abruptly broken from his trance-like guilt. Rich ran around the halls screaming for Mountain Dew Red as Jake watched him cautiously from his seat on the kitchen counters. Brooke and Chloe were now no where to be found, but Christine and Jenna were sat on the sofa chatting about something neither of them seemed very interested in. Jeremy couldn’t bring himself to talk to any of them. He sank into one of the living room chairs and twiddled his fingers, staring absently at them as if his mind couldn’t be bothered with anything but worry.

He had broken his own heart with his own ignorance of the damage he could cause. And now Michael was probably upstairs suffering through the aftermath of it. 

Jeremy had no clue how long he had been sitting there doing nothing. It could’ve been a few minutes or it could’ve been an hour, but none of that mattered when he heard the screams and wails of his peers around him. It’s as if he was shocked awake as he heard the cries; “fire!”

He sprang up from the chair, glancing over his shoulder and seeing the crowds almost entirely gone as flames licked the walls and ran down the carpeted hallway. Jake flew off the countertop, practically sprinting down the hallway calling for his best friend. Jeremy froze. 

Michael.

It was as if a switch had been flipped. Jeremy was upstairs in just a few seconds and he instantly regretted it. The whole second floor was slowly becoming engulfed in flames. Luckily there was still a narrow pathway down the middle of the hallway and Jeremy stumbled through as quickly as he could, despite his current lack of spacial awareness. He had a one-track mind. Nothing else mattered as he reached the end of the hallway.

The bathroom door. It was locked and as Jeremy held the doorknob, it burned his hand, causing him to jump back and wince. He could hear Michael’s sobs and shaky breaths as Jeremy pressed his body against the door. The paint had grown hot, but at this point Jeremy didn’t care. 

“M-Michael!” Jeremy coughed out. His chest was burning as he felt sweat drip down his forehead. He pulled off his costume leaving him in a loose Star Wars t-shirt and old gym shorts. Michael’s shirt. He brushed the damp, sweaty curls from his forehead and tried again. 

“Michael, I know you’re in t-there! Please, just let m-me in !” Jeremy felt the tears pour down his face. He had caused this. This was all his fault. The flames further filled the hallway, but nothing mattered as much as getting that door open. “Michael, please! I’m so, so, s-sorry!” 

His tears were hot and stung his eyes as he screamed into the door, “M-Michael, please, I’m n-not leaving here w-without you!” An open window in the hallway let everyone outside in on the desperate pleas coming from the boy inside willing to risk everything to save his best friend. 

Jeremy hadn’t drank very much that night, just enough to subdue the squip, which meant it wasn’t long before Jeremy was shocked back into full consciousness. A sharp jolt ran down his spine as he called out to Michael once more. He screamed, crumpling over in pain like a rag doll as he coughed out, clutching his chest and back. The flames were tickling his ankles but the pain was nothing compared to that in his chest. He wasn’t leaving without Michael and if that meant not leaving at all, then so be it. 

“M-Michael,” Jeremy coughed out pounding on the door a few times. Nothing. Another shock. He had fully collapsed against the door, his head resting against the wood and his ears hearing everything inside. He heard the sounds of his best friend sobbing and trembling and he yelled at himself. He reassured himself of horrible, horrible things and it only made Jeremy scream out louder. He knew why Michael seemingly couldn't hear him. It had happened before, but never at a time as important as this. 

“P-please, M-Michael, you n-need to g-get out of t-there, it’s n-not s-safe h-here,” Jeremy spoke as loudly as he could. The squip shocked him after each word he stuttered, but he couldn’t be bothered to fix his voice. Sadly that was barely his natural voice level. His tears altered his voice, but there was nothing he could do. Ignoring the flames thoroughly flooding the hallway around him, Jeremy held himself up with all of his remaining body strength and began to pound on the door. As much as he knew the last thing Michael needed was someone screaming at him, if Michael was going to get out of that house, he needed that door to open now.

Jeremy couldn’t stop coughing at that point. He hurt everywhere, but no where more than his heart. Cheesy, sure, but he had adopted a full whisper now, speaking to Michael through the door in a tone he knew there was no way Michael could hear. 

“…and that time we stayed up all night waiting for the release of Apocalypse of the Dammed 2 and at three A.M. you fell asleep in my lap and I’m pretty sure I just sat there playing with your hair for hours. God, you looked so beautiful. You always do though, I don’t know how that’s possible because half of the time I have the darkest circles around my eyes and horrible breakouts and I can never seem to fix it, but you just look nice all the time,” Jeremy whispered to no one really. He knew Michael couldn’t hear him, but that didn’t stop him from always finding comfort in the boy he loved so much. 

He half-heartedly hit the door a few times again. More rambling, more shocks. 

Jeremy was getting tired. His body ached and burned, but he ignored it. He hummed softly to distract himself, warm tears falling down his burning cheeks. It was as if his life was slipping through his fingers, not because he thought he was dying, no, he couldn't get to Michael. He couldn't get himself in that room. He wasn't strong enough to break down that door. He wasn't smart enough to think of another way in. He messed up when it mattered most. He couldn't be heroic and save the boy he loved like Jake had surely done. He couldn't be the one to save the day and get them both out of there. No, the only thing that would happen is that Michael would come to his senses and leave Jeremy behind. He was always too good for him anyway. Jeremy was fine with that. No, that was a lie, he could never be fine without Michael. But he knew he deserved it. He ruined everything and all he could think about was how badly he wanted to go back to the times when they would have sleepovers in middle school and they would ultimately fall asleep on the sofa in Michael's basement after playing video games until two in the morning. Every time without fail they would wake up tangled in each other's arms. It was Jeremy's favorite feeling in the world. God, he couldn't stop thinking about it. Michael's strong arms wrapped around Jeremy's bony frame tightly. Protectively. He knew he didn't deserve it, but he wanted one last comfort of Michael's arms around him more than anything. 

“It’s stupid, but ever since we were little I always thought we’d probably get married one day. You know, before either of us even knew what being gay or bi even meant, I always just thought I’d never find anyone who made me as happy as you did. It’s embarrassing how much I think about that. Or just you in general I guess. I’m so sorry I never told you. I guess a part of me always knew there was no way I’d be good enough for you. You don’t deserve someone as fucked up and worthless as me I guess, but here I am being selfish and wanting you here. God, I’m so selfish, literally dying outside your door just to be with you. It’s pathetic, but I can’t help it,” He whispered once more, receiving shocks from the squip for every time he spoke fondly about Michael. He didn’t care, it felt like nothing at this point. 

“I love you, Michael Mell. I love you a million times over and as long as you’re okay after this, then I’m okay too,” Jeremy was seeing spots as the squip crumpled his body further and further as the shocks intensified. 

“Jeremy?”

All of a sudden everything froze. Jeremy’s heart did a backflip as he used all of his strength the choke out, “M-Michael.”

Just the sound of Michael’s voice was enough to make Jeremy smile. The weakest of grins slowly emerged on Jeremy’s face as he heard the door unlock. He couldn’t think clearly enough to warn Michael not to come outside, instead he just tried as hard as he could to see more than giant black spots. The door Jeremy’s entire body weight was supported on slowly slipped out from under him as Jeremy slid onto the floor of the door way. 

“Oh my god,” Michael’s voice was unlike anything Jeremy had ever heard. It was still ridden with tears, fresh and from minutes prior to their encounter, but nothing prepared him for the scream that escaped Michael’s lips as he sank to the ground wrapping his trembling arms around Jeremy’s fragile body. Jeremy smiled wider, clinging loosely to the hem of Michael’s shirt and burying his head into his chest. 

“Jeremy? Miah? Oh my god what happened? Miah, look at me please, we have to get out of here, we ha-“ Michael choked out between sobs as Jeremy used all his strength to raise his arm to Michael’s cheek, brushing away his tears. 

“You’re okay,” Jeremy whispered, staring lovingly up at Michael, making him sob harder, nuzzling his head into Jeremy’s soft brown curls. They were full of ash at this point, but nothing else mattered. 

All of a sudden Michael did a double take. “Oh no Miah, no no no no no. T-that was y-you wasn’t it? B-banging on the d-door?” His hands trembled as he brushed the curls falling into Jeremy’s face. Jeremy just gave a weak nod in response. Michael broke down, sobbing against Jeremy’s forehead. “C-come on, we h-have to g-get out of h-here.” Michael attempted to move back from their position; Michael’s forehead pressed against Jeremy’s, their hands interlocked. 

“I-I’m so s-sorry, M-Michael,” Jeremy interrupted, pressing their lips together softly and sweetly. It was everything he dreamed it would be, but not quite in the scenario he was hoping for. They lingered like that for ages just soaking in the presence of each other, feeling each other’s tears on their cheeks, feeling the chapped lips of the other. Jeremy’s heart was soaring and it was as if the squip no longer had any effect on him. 

Some part of him always knew that he would be with Michael his whole life. Beginning to end. The day his life truly began to the day it ended. He had always hoped his beautiful face would be the last thing he saw. He dreamed of feeling Michael's lips on his and it was everything he had always wanted it to be. If that meant it was the last thing he'd feel, so be it. It was a small price to pay to see the widest smile on Michael's face, even if only for a second before rejoining the kiss. 

He was free again, free and happier than ever before. His eyes remained closed as he felt his body lose control, unintentionally pulling away from Michael and slumping over in his arms. He heard the screams, the cries, the pleads, all of it, but it was too late now. Despite wanting nothing more than to tell Michael he loved him one more time, this time maybe even loud enough for him to hear. Michael kept talking as Jeremy pulled away, but he couldn’t hear a thing. His heart rate slowed and his breaths grew weak and raspy. He felt Michael’s lips against his forehead and his cold tears against his cheeks before nothing at all. 

The beautiful thing is, Jeremy Heere loved Michael Mell more than his life. The sad thing is he loved him so much more than his own life.


	2. michael in the bathroom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> wow get ready to live through that same hell one more time! except this time with michael who has no idea what's going on, but someone help him he needs a hug
> 
> *trigger warnings are the same*

Michael Mell knew he was having a panic attack. He had struggled with anxiety his whole life, but thankfully Jeremy was always there to help him. He always knew what to say and what not to say. He always asked if it was okay to hold him and if Michael ever declined he understood and would simply talk him through it in different ways. However, when he said it was okay, Jeremy would wrap his arms around Michael’s shaking frame and wouldn’t let go until he knew Michael was okay. He loved that boy more than anything.

But he was gone now. He left Michael, abandoned him for a bunch of popular kids and a stupid computer. 

Twelve years of being best friends gone in a single sentence.

“You’re such a loser.”

Michael sank to his knees against the door, his hands shaking and his body too broken to notice the tears falling like rivers. He crawled across the floor to the bathtub, slipping inside and curling his knees up to his chest. 

He felt nothing. For as long as he could remember he struggled with panic attacks and this was no different. The only thing was, for once in his life, he didn’t have Jeremy there to help him. But he didn’t want him to. No, he was mad at Jeremy. So mad. So fucking mad at him and his goddamn adorable face and his fucking smile and every other perfect thing about him. So mad.

Except that he couldn’t even convince himself that. God, he could never stay mad at Jeremy, especially when he knew he definitely wasn’t himself. Whether the squip was on when he said what he did or not, Jeremy was messed up. He was genuinely broken and it wasn’t like Michael hadn’t noticed. But deep down a part of him knew that if he didn’t mean it, those words would have never come out of Jeremy’s mouth. Some part of him meant what he said, no matter how much the squip convinced him of it. 

Surely he wasn’t the only one. This whole fucking party was full of people who probably thought he was just another worthless geek who’s hopelessly in love with his best friend, despite how badly he hurt him. 

It was as if he couldn’t feel the tears running down his cheeks. Like his body couldn’t feel anything. His mind was caving in on itself, crumpling into a pit of his own pitying thoughts. 

_You weren’t even invited, Jeremy didn’t want you here._

He pulled back the shower curtain around the bathtub at the far wall of the bathroom.

All those popular kids downstairs would probably jump at the chance to beat you to a pulp if they found out anything about you and Jeremy. 

He slid down into the tub, pulling his hoodie sleeves down over his hands and curling his knees to his chest, rocking back and forth slowly. 

_Why do you even like Jeremy? He doesn’t need you, he never needed you. He probably went home._

Michael sat there in that tub for ages, alone with his thoughts and tears, his only comfort being the steady pace he kept as he rocked back and forth with his heels. His mind was racing with thoughts that controlled his ears, echoing the voices of anyone who ever taunted them. 

_You are nothing without him._

_He was the only one to ever protect you. Guess that's done now._

_It's about time he left you behind._

_He would've never loved you anyway._

Michael broke at that last voice, crumpling into himself, wrapping his arms around his knees and sinking further down into the empty tub. He probably could've filled it with his tears. 

It had been ages since he had a panic attack this bad and all he wanted was for Jeremy to be there beside him. 

He couldn't do it anymore. No, he just couldn't be mad at Jeremy. That boy could do anything and Michael would never be able to let him go. A part of him held onto hope, reminding himself about the last time he and Jeremy spoke, seeing the pain in his eyes that was a perfect opposite to his body language. Michael knew something was wrong the moment he saw him, but he was too hurt to try to help. He wouldn't make the same mistake again. 

_You think he wants to see you again?_

The voices were taunting him, making him question every thought. 

"Jeremy doesn't want me," Michael spoke softly to himself. 

Another pound on the door made him jump, curling in on himself further. 

"He doesn't love me."

"He doesn't need me."

"He's better off without me."

"He could never love someone as pathetic as me," Michael spat, crawling out of he bathtub, walking over to the sink, clutching its rim. The mirror was perfectly clean, showing every little imperfection scattered across his face. His eyes were red and puffy from crying and his nose was raw and stuffy from sniffling so much. His cheeks were wet with tears and riddled with acne scars he hated so much, and his glasses were askew and covered in tears. He was a mess. Way too big of a mess for Jeremy Heere. 

Another set of pounding on the door. Michael jumped again, his nerves making his mind fuzzy for anything else but fear. Everyone here hated him. The were coming the kick him out or better yet, to finally beat the shit out of him so bad he never gets up. 

"I wish I offed myself instead," Michael hissed into the mirror, staring his reflection in the face before sinking to his knees once more. He buried his head in his hands and accepted the fate he planned for himself. 

He opened the medicine cabinet behind Jake's mirror, finding a razor and meticulously attempting to take it apart. He threw it to the ground again and again, his vision clouded by tears and his mind vacant of anything other than getting the blades. It had been so long. Sadly, not long enough. 

He crouched down, taking the broken handle of the razor in his hands before he heard a soft whisper from outside the door. 

"...-you a million times over and as long as you’re okay after this, then I’m okay too."

Michael's heart lurched. He crawled across the floor until he was kneeling in front of the door listening to the soft voice from outside. He knew that voice. He knew that voice better than anything. Tentatively, he pressed his hand against the door, wincing as he felt that it was practically burning. His brain automatically went to the worst possible idea, but he brushed it off, denying himself the ability to think about something like that. 

Besides, he had abandoned the razor on the ground at this point. 

"Jeremy?" Michael said, softly whispering into the door. 

He couldn't help but smile as he received an answer within seconds. 

"M-Michael," Jeremy said, his voice pained and quiet. Something was very, very wrong about this. 

Cautiously he rose, reaching out for the doorknob and once again feeling an even stronger heat source. His heart sank. He wouldn't think about it. Jeremy was waiting. His Jeremy. He came back. 

Biting his lip through the pain, Michael grabbed the doorknob and opened it slowly, immediately affronted by the immense heat. His heart rate doubled. Until it didn't. Everything stopped. It was as if the house wasn't on fire, he wasn't still recovering from a panic attack, nothing else mattered. 

Nothing but Jeremy. 

He was slumped against the bathroom door, his costume a pile of ash behind him and his body covered in soot and burns. 

Michael didn't realize he was screaming until he felt his knees give way beneath him, sinking to the ground beside Jeremy, pulling him slightly into the bathroom, away from the flames. Jeremy immediately curled into Michael's touch as he pulled the smaller boy's fragile body into his arms. 

"Oh my god," Michael choked out through his tears. He could feel his heart breaking into millions and millions of pieces. "Jeremy? Miah? Oh my god what happened? Miah, look at me please, we have to get out of here, we ha-“ Michael was panicking as Jeremy cut him off, clinging to him like his life depended on it. It did, as a matter of fact. 

But Jeremy's hands were soft and warm and as he reached up to Michael's face, cupping his cheek and brushing away his tears, Michael was frozen in that moment. God Jeremy was so beautiful. Despite everything that had happened, he loved that boy more than anything and he had never been as terrified. His brown curls were full of soot, but Michael ran his hand through them, adoring the feeling. 

"You're okay," Jeremy spoke with absolutely no fear, just pure love as he pulled Michael's face down towards his, leaning their foreheads together. 

Michael could feel the soft beating of Jeremy's heart against his and the pounding made his head spin. The door. The pounding on the door. Michael almost screamed, realizing what had happened. 

“Oh no Miah, no no no no no. T-that was y-you wasn’t it? B-banging on the d-door?” Michael was afraid to hear what he already knew was true. 

As he felt the small nod against his chest, he broke down sobbing against Jeremy's forehead. He could've prevented this. They could've been fine. But no, good things like that just didn't happen to them. 

“C-come on, we h-have to g-get out of h-here," Michael stuttered, wrapping his arms tighter around Jeremy's body and pulling away from their position slightly before Jeremy stopped him. 

Jeremy's weak hands curled around the collar of Michael's shirt, pulling him back to their position; eyes locked together, noses brushing, and lips centimeters away. 

“I-I’m so s-sorry, M-Michael,” Jeremy's voice was getting shakier and shakier, but he pulled Michael towards him and for one moment, all that mattered was their breath mixing, their skin flushed together, and their eyes staring at nothing but each other. Their lips met, soft and slow, but perfect. Both boys had dreamed of this moment for longer than they could remember, but never in a situation like this. 

Michael felt his breath hitch as he moved one hand to grasp Jeremy's and the other wrapped firmly around his torso. It was everything they had ever wanted, just not there. Not now. Not when it meant something neither of them ever wanted. Goodbye. 

Michael savored the moment more that anything in his entire life, but he felt his blood run cold as Jeremy's lips suddenly weren't moving along with his. His body went limp in Michael's arms, his eyes never opening after the kiss. Michael broke. He broke in a way he knew he'd never be able to repair. 

"Miah? Oh my god, no n-no no you can't l-leave me here! I n-need you, please! P-please J-Jeremy, I can't live w-without you..," Michael wailed, clutching Jeremy to his chest. He let his voice crack, trailing off as he placed a kiss on Jeremy's forehead. 

His world had shattered.He would've stayed there forever if he could, but a part of him still believed he had a chance. He could save him. His thought process was virtually gone, with no second thoughts as he made up his mind. Not a single possibility that took priority in Michael's mind was the truth. He couldn't admit it to himself. He would never accept it. It just wasn't how they worked. They fought. Everything from Nintendo zombies to their popular peers, there was never a time when they didn't fight for each other. Michaelwas ready to do just that. If only someone could've been there with him. To tell him the truth. The truth that somewhere, deep down, he already knew and just could never bring himself to accept. He stood up, holding Jeremy tighter in his arms than ever before. He waited for the familiar tempo of their hearts beating together, but was met with soul-crushing silence. 

Within minutes Michael was through the house, not caring about the flames that burned every inch of his body as he ran. All that mattered was getting Jeremy to the ambulances that were bound to be outside. He staggered through his teary vision but emerged from the house, sinking down into the lawn outside. He curled Jeremy closer to him, sobbing for what seemed like the end of the world. 

It was worse than that. 

 


	3. epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> whelp in case you thought it couldn't get any worse than this, here you go. this fic killed me someone send help i was having a bad day. sorry in advance, but here's an alternative ending for the other kiddos as well as the shitstorm that is now michael mell's life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> enjoy
> 
> if that's even possible
> 
> it's short and brutally painful, just like me
> 
> don't say i didn't warn y'all

Michael sobbed for ages before he felt a tap on his shoulder. 

He looked up, seeing a woman and a man in paramedic uniforms. His heart surged with a small bit of hope as they helped him off the ground, but the moment the man took Jeremy from his arms it was as if he was really alone. He screamed, kicked, flailed, and crawled his way to get back to Jeremy, but he simply couldn't. Another paramedic came behind him and held her ams around him as Michael wailed. It was horrific. No amount of training could prepare anyone to have to cover a scene like this one. Michael was defeated. His willpower was gone. His spirit faded. His soul was horribly, irreparibly broken. He watched as the man gave a sad look at his partner and her face immediately fell, understanding exactly what he meant. 

"I'm so sorry, love, but could you please come with us, we need to get you to the hospital," the woman spoke in an oddly comforting voice. Michael nodded, accepting the arm she offered and walking to the ambulance. He was numb. All he did was look up. The roof of the ambulance was stark white with the exception of the emergency exit hatch on the ceiling. He didn't move. He didn't speak. He just stared. Nothing mattered anymore. 

He left the hospital a few days later. It had been hell sitting in that room alone for three days with the only other person being his nurse Heidi and his roommate; the infamous Rich Goranski. If it weren't for him, Jeremy would still be here with him, happy and loved. But no, instead Michael was alone. Rich meant nothing to him. Despite all his efforts to talk to Michael, he never listened until one time he actually said something worth hearing. 

"I know how it feels. Well, no I don't, but I hurt someone that I loved too. I know it's nothing compared to what I did to you two and I couldn't even begin to explain how fucking sorry I am, but I probably lost the person I loved too," Rich said, a lisp evident. Michael felt his heart sink a little deeper. Who else could he have possibly hurt? "He's paralyzed. I can't believe it. He had so much going for him, sports and academic scholarships for just about everything, dozens of girls fawning over him, and everything else anyone could possibly want. Everything he deserved. But he threw it all away to save me. He jumped out a fucking window to save me and he's the one that paid the price for it. Hearing what I did the next day was the worst ten minutes of my entire life. I had no idea. The squip, it just completely took control of my body and took everything I loved from me. I'm so sorry dude, I get it if you don't want to talk to me, but do you think maybe once you leave you could stop by and talk to Jake? Not for me, I just think he needs someone with him. His parents aren't exactly around. It's your decision though, I don't blame you if you want to just beat the shit out of me or something. That'd be great actually. Sorry, I'll shut up, but just keep that in mind I guess. I probably had the right idea back in freshman year."

Michael did go see Jake. He stood in the doorway of his room for about five minutes just staring at Jake as he sat in his wheelchair staring out the window, his back to Michael. He reminded him of Jeremy. So alone and broken. So oblivious to how much someone loved him. He left and never spoke to either of the two boys again. 

It seemed like everyone was different after that night. 

Christine transferred schools. Something to do with PTSD, he had heard. 

Jenna abandoned her gossip and just disappeared from the social circle at school. It was as if she felt guilty. That was a joke. No one felt as guilty as Michael. 

Brooke gave up dating. She left her friends and virtually abandoned her whole life. She was hurt too many times that night. 

Chloe was the same. She loved Brooke more than anything, but eventually, she found a girlfriend, leaving behind most of her friends and anything she used to do with Brooke. She claimed she needed to move on. 

The only person she seemed to still care about was Jake. The two remained best friends, but they were never the same. Jake grew severely depressed as everything he worked so hard for slipped through his fingers. Everything he loved was taken away from him. 

He was as broken as the rest, but none as bad as Richard Goranski. No, Rich never returned to that school. Never saw those kids again. Rich Goranski took his own life the night he left the hospital. He claimed he hurt too many people. Jake found him late that night and was the only one to attend his funeral. It seemed Rich had been wrong about one thing. But Michael couldn't bring himself to do it. The school didn't grieve. Not a single person made a public effort to recognize Richard Goranski. But it was okay. Michael never forgot what he said that night. Jake never forgot why he saved him, even if he never had the chance to tell him it was worth it. 

They were all breaking in different ways, but all of them together. 

Michael tried. He really did. He knew Jeremy would've wanted him to, but he couldn't do it. He could see him in everything. Jeremy was his life. From beginning to end. The day they met all those years ago was the day his life really began. When he spotted that curly brown mop of hair bouncing across the kindergarten playground and something in his body, his mind, his heart, and his should just clicked. Some part of him knew that when that little boy looked over at him and smiled that perfect smile and waved with the most kindness anyone had ever shown Michael, he knew. That was his boy. They were meant for each other. In whatever way that would be, they had to have each other in their lives. It was inevitable. 

That Halloween night was the night his life ended. Seeing those sparking blue eyes and those pale freckles dotting his cheeks as he held on for dear life, nothing would ever be the same. No, nothing else was worth living for. 

And so it was. He tried. He tried for eleven days before he couldn't take it anymore. One day for every year that he loved Jeremy Heere more than the world. Until it was over and Michael was lost. There was no way to be found. Not without Jeremy. 

So on the night of the eleventh day, his body ended. His life had ended all those days ago, all that was left was a shell. A shell of a boy that carried himself the way he had memorized so well he could walk to Jeremy's house blindfolded. A shell of a boy that knew the trick way to open Jeremy's bedroom window so the house alarm wouldn't go off. A shell of a boy that wrapped himself in one of Jeremy's sweaters every day because he couldn't stand to put on that signature red sweater Jeremy had given him for his fifteenth birthday. A shell of the broken boy that cried one last time as he curled into Jeremy's bedsheets and wished to go home. Back to the only real home he's ever known. To the boy he loved so much more than the world.


End file.
